This is one of the rare times that I’m revisiting this blog. Guess I’ve really nth much t blog about anymore and everytime it’s the same old emo tweets. Well not like anyone’s reading anyways.
Anyways I got enlisted to the army quite a while back and I got to say it’s pretty slack. But it has really given me loads of time to think and reflect. I’m turning twenty and my life has been pretty mundane except of the roller coaster of shit that has been peltering over me. I tweeted today asking God for his plans for me. I can honestly say I’m not hearing him anymore and I’m losing faith/lost it already. I’ve been questioning him asking, why did he take grandpa away, why make my life so miserable, why let the first girl I’ve ever loved so deeply treat me like that and why give me such a dilapidating injury in my back. I’ve tried so hard to rely on him and I can say I’ve failed, God has hit me where it hurts, and I don’t have the ability/strength to cope. Somehow the way I find solace would be running away, smoking, clubbing. I feel liberated, unjudged, and relaxed. Prayer used to work, but the burden on my shoulders is not shared between me and God anymore. I can’t find him anymore. Sometimes I wonder why no matter how hard we try t listen to him he isn’t there. So many people always thank God for their lives and all. No doubt I still thank God, but would others do the same if they were in my shoes? I’m not trying to be like a pessimistic joke here but it’s the hard facts. I never had much of a childhood, parents more or less mia when I’m growing up and all my problems were shared w my best friend. I’ll never know what it’s like to be in a family. Dad was never there and mum was always working. Growing up alone sucked. Then came jc. I met this amazing girl name Che’rie. Guess I was so smitten by her that I did everything I could t get her attention and all. I wanted t protect her and be there for her and love her. Well things worked out for a while before everything turned downhill. Needless to say, it ended. To this day I can still say I truly truly love her and I want things to work out again. Things we argued over seem so insignificant now. Somehow I know she’s moved on and I’m more or less some form of distant memory in her mind, and the feeling of loving someone who’s completely forgotten about you sucks the big one. I’m secretly wishing someone would tell her how I’m feeling, I need her to know.
I guess that was the spark that caused this change in me. I’ve developed this ‘bad guy’ persona and haven’t been acting like how God would want me to act. Yea it liberates me, and most importantly I get to forget the pain. Though temporary I still crave it oh so badly. I really don’t want to be emotionally hurt again and I guess running away is my only option. I’ll keep praying, hopefully God answers my prayers. And I really hope that I can fix myself and mend my friendship w her and go back like how we used to.
Che’rie Cheong Li-Chen I know you’re prob not gonna read this. But having you in my life was really pretty awesome. Though we quarrelled and stuff I still keep memories of whatever we’ve done close to my heart. Yea I may have said mean things to you but it’s because I didn’t wanna show my hurt. I may have done bad things but that doesn’t make me a bad person. I still believe strongly in us and I hope you still do cuz babe I miss you terribly and I do hope for a second chance. And I hope we can anchor God more into our lives together. I love you.
Bleah, no one reads this, so i guess these words t you would probably be left unspoken.
God take the reigns on this one.
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