Belief †

Gifts & Curses.

Joshua — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 17:31:09 +0000

Thank God for people like qm and aaron. They make emo times so much easier to pass. Past 2 days were really particularly bad, I went and probed all into Her profile. Guess looking at the photos esp w the comms ball shit really made me pretty sian. I kept asking myself “why not me?” Reminded me so much of prom where everything fell apart. Note, I’m not being a jealous nut here, I dont even know how to describe my feelings however. It’s already been two years plus, and I still have such strong feelings for Her. People say it’s sweet and it’s something to respect. Well I’m really starting to feel that’s not the case and I beg to differ. I think it’s a curse. The first girl that comes to your mind at the start and end of every day still remains the same and the conclusive fact that she’d never be yours hits you like a wrecking ball next. As much as I want to, I cant let Her go. Maybe it’s some brain-heart warfare going on inside me and my heart’s always winning. I just cant forget her, dont ask me why, I cant come up with an answer too. To me she’s amazing still despite whatever has happened. I’m just hoping one day things turn out for the better cuz I honestly doubt that I’d ever forget her.

I’ve been questioning God again. Why make it so complicated? Why does she judge me so? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else that she meets? Nope. Still no answer. I guess I’m still having difficulty opening up my heart and ears to God. Honestly the faith is gone. Nevertheless, I’ll keep trying because I really dont want to be consumed by sin and become the very person I swore not to become. I know I’ve taken a couple steps in that direction but it’s extremely important that I curb it before it becomes too serious. I know that there’s always a road back, a second chance in the eyes of God. But would I have another shot w you?

Pretty much no change.

Joshua — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 17:41:49 +0000

This is one of the rare times that I’m revisiting this blog. Guess I’ve really nth much t blog about anymore and everytime it’s the same old emo tweets. Well not like anyone’s reading anyways.

Anyways I got enlisted to the army quite a while back and I got to say it’s pretty slack. But it has really given me loads of time to think and reflect. I’m turning twenty and my life has been pretty mundane except of the roller coaster of shit that has been peltering over me. I tweeted today asking God for his plans for me. I can honestly say I’m not hearing him anymore and I’m losing faith/lost it already. I’ve been questioning him asking, why did he take grandpa away, why make my life so miserable, why let the first girl I’ve ever loved so deeply treat me like that and why give me such a dilapidating injury in my back. I’ve tried so hard to rely on him and I can say I’ve failed, God has hit me where it hurts, and I don’t have the ability/strength to cope. Somehow the way I find solace would be running away, smoking, clubbing. I feel liberated, unjudged, and relaxed. Prayer used to work, but the burden on my shoulders is not shared between me and God anymore. I can’t find him anymore. Sometimes I wonder why no matter how hard we try t listen to him he isn’t there. So many people always thank God for their lives and all. No doubt I still thank God, but would others do the same if they were in my shoes? I’m not trying to be like a pessimistic joke here but it’s the hard facts. I never had much of a childhood, parents more or less mia when I’m growing up and all my problems were shared w my best friend. I’ll never know what it’s like to be in a family. Dad was never there and mum was always working. Growing up alone sucked. Then came jc. I met this amazing girl name Che’rie. Guess I was so smitten by her that I did everything I could t get her attention and all. I wanted t protect her and be there for her and love her. Well things worked out for a while before everything turned downhill. Needless to say, it ended. To this day I can still say I truly truly love her and I want things to work out again. Things we argued over seem so insignificant now. Somehow I know she’s moved on and I’m more or less some form of distant memory in her mind, and the feeling of loving someone who’s completely forgotten about you sucks the big one. I’m secretly wishing someone would tell her how I’m feeling, I need her to know.

I guess that was the spark that caused this change in me. I’ve developed this ‘bad guy’ persona and haven’t been acting like how God would want me to act. Yea it liberates me, and most importantly I get to forget the pain. Though temporary I still crave it oh so badly. I really don’t want to be emotionally hurt again and I guess running away is my only option. I’ll keep praying, hopefully God answers my prayers. And I really hope that I can fix myself and mend my friendship w her and go back like how we used to.

Che’rie Cheong Li-Chen I know you’re prob not gonna read this. But having you in my life was really pretty awesome. Though we quarrelled and stuff I still keep memories of whatever we’ve done close to my heart. Yea I may have said mean things to you but it’s because I didn’t wanna show my hurt. I may have done bad things but that doesn’t make me a bad person. I still believe strongly in us and I hope you still do cuz babe I miss you terribly and I do hope for a second chance. And I hope we can anchor God more into our lives together. I love you.

Bleah, no one reads this, so i guess these words t you would probably be left unspoken.

God take the reigns on this one.

Breakeven.

Joshua — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 02:24:06 +0000

Ugh. 6hrs< of sleep in 3 days. I’m so exhausted. Maybe I’m tearing myself up really hard over this. I can’t help it. I really don’t wanna screw the friendship up. Gahhh it may already have been ): Someone get me a time machine. I wanna right everything.

I hope I’m not late.

Joshua — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 14:05:05 +0000

I guess I’ve really no outlet t speak besides this blog. I’ve things I want t say t you and much more that I wanna apologise for. I didn’t think things would take such drastic turns and I shouldn’t have done what I did. I really don’t know what the fuck was wrong w me. I know it’s more than just the alcohol. I’m really sorry for what I did. I was really vulnerable and kinda drunk. I know it’s no excuse for my actions. You’ve been a great friend t me and well frankly I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I just hope things will take a turn for the better. Didn’t wish for such an incident t happen. I’d understand if we weren’t talking anymore, it was my fault after all. I really crossed the line.

Seriously, I don’t know what’s wrong w me. I don’t recognise myself anymore. Things have changed so much and I’m become a stranger t myself. Things are really starting t fuck up now. I fucked up j2, messed up a friendship and started so many things that I’m regretting. Maybe I’m trying t run away but I’m becoming a complete alien. I hate this and I know that I’m better than this! I can’t shake off the fact that I’m hurt, yet I’m turning t actions that hurt others. I’ve got t stop this.

Enter 2011.

Joshua — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 03:10:18 +0000

Obtained my A level results this Friday and well, I wouldn’t say I’m happy but I can’t say I’m sad either. AAD/E wasn’t exactly what i expected but I’m happy I managed to get two A’s at least. However it sucks to know that I might not be eligible for psych at NUS. I’ve kinda dreamt of going there since sec3. Nevertheless, it’s better than not qualifying for any uni at all(:

2010 was a hectic roller-coaster for me. I really missed the start of 2010 but everything went downhill from there. It was really the most emotionally and physically draining year of all. Firstly season took it’s toll on me but I really loved all the training sessions w my team mates. Despite juggling 3 ccas, I had a heck of a time w them all(: Then there was orientation. I got to say, best moment in AC has got to be Orientation 2010. Had an OG named Pyro which had kids who were extremely spontaneous and made the life of an OGL really fun! No doubt I made many good friends as well!

Then came the rest of the year.

Up till now I ask myself why. Why did I ever go back? I had a chance to end it all but I came back. BIG MISTAKE. You took me for all I had and laid it to waste. All those letters and gifts to me, what were they for? A bait to lead me on into something uncertain? I waited a whole fucking year just to hear that all you see me for was just a classmate. And up till now, I still miss you. I seriously don’t know how to describe what you’ve done to me but honestly, 2010 was really ruined by you. Why did you take so long to end it? You could’ve told me you felt nothing instead of waiting till i fell hopelessly in love w you. Furthermore you always ask me why I disliked him. Tell you why. You won’t know how it feels like when you see the very person every morning to school w someone else and when you ask to even walk just once you get rejected, and the very first chance I got to walk, you overslept. Next, I see you messaging him ALL DAY LONG. I’m not being petty here, but it’s extremely frustrating to watch and pretend I’m okay. Next, studying w him at times after school and how you make me seem so invisible when I can even be right in front of you. Lastly, you’ve always been so passive in our friendship and active in that group. And no matter how hard I try to make you see, all you do is deny. I’m a fucking human w fucking feelings as well, spare a thought for me. This is why I can’t do this. I don’t wanna see myself in such situations anymore. Studying alone almost every single day in preparations for A levels hoping you were by my side but you never showed. Wishing I could spend a couple of special days w you in 2010 besides Valentines’ Day. You didn’t know how much it hurt during prom. I’m tired of being your doormat, your substitute only when all other options aren’t free. It would be nice to be a priority in your life without having special occasions to dictate it. I don’t know if you ever read my blog, but I need to let it out.

P.s I still love you.

Songs that speak.

Joshua — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 16:01:36 +0000

Dream Big – Emily Shackleton

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But if you don’t dream big what’s the use in dreaming
If you don’t have faith there’s nothing worth believing
It takes one hope to make the stars worth reaching for
So reach out for something more

The Truth – Kris Allen

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Ocean Wide – The Afters

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Look outside
It’s already light and the stars ran away with the night
Things we’re said, words that we’ll try forget,
it’s so hard to admit I know we’ve made mistakes
I see through all the tears but that’s what got us here

What Faith Can Do – Kutless

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Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you’re stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

.

Joshua — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 16:56:39 +0000

I guess up till now I’ve never asked myself what I regretted most, now I do.

I pray God provides me with a plan b this time, it hurts too much now, I need to get back to God, I know it’s a test of
my faith in him and how I can pick myself up.

I’m dreading school more each day, but increasingly, not because of the lessons and all, the walk to school is emotionally draining, every class seems to suck the life out of me, I can’t sleep well neither can I concentrate, I need to do something about it, I need prayer.

I wish there’s someone I can relate to as to how I’m feeling right now/-:

Faith hope love

Joshua — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 12:41:36 +0000

Maybe it’s good to get hurt by the ones you love, so that we’ll know just how God feels loving us.

Maybe it’s hard to love because God wants us to know just how far we are from his love.

1 John 4:7-21

7Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
13We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. 16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

19We love because he first loved us. 20If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

God is Faith
God is Hope
Above all, God is love.

21 more days to the prelims)-:

Joshua — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 22:48:28 +0000

Gosh life sucks, I cannot believe prelims is coming soon! And to think my midyears seemed like yesterday! I see the A levels approaching quickly, and honestly I’m not prepared for it/-: I really hope I do well though!

Anyway for the really small and diminishing population that reads my blog which is semi-dead, here’s something encouraging that I read about in the bible!

Hebrews 12:7
7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father (-:

Maybe what we’re going through is temporal, maybe when we study we feel tired, but know that God understands and that God will be there, he’s only a prayer away! (-:

Heart of worship

Joshua — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 15:44:01 +0000

Firstly I must say it’s liberating to be out of council but I still miss being one alot): today marks my first day as an ex councillor and well, nostalgia engulfs me):

I’ve been thinking, what have I done in council, or why have I let my flame die out towards the end? One answer came to my mind, I have indeed drifted from God, made me lose my love for people around and also for the council. I guess doing all my duties made me lose sight of the biggest picture of all – the cross. Yes, I have indeed lost track, but I’m still a firm believer, I want to get back on the track I was once on, the track that I had actually veered away from.

I think this lyrics have been continually playing in my head for a reason, I don’t know what they mean but I hope I get it soon! (:

Let hope rise,
And darkness tremble in your holy light
That everyone will see Jesus our God
Great and Mighty to be praised(: